On Friends and Masks

If there’s one thing I learned about forming relationships,
it’s that some can be very fruitful, while some others I’d rather do without.

Every relationship I’ve formed has a ripple effect in my
life; for some reason, it affects the way I think, feel and cope throughout the
day.

The one thing that really bothers me is that I’ve been
wearing a mask, a lot of different masks to be precise; and I’m finding it hard
to tell people this is the way I really feel because for some impertinent
reason, they don’t believe the truth when it’s staring at them in the
face. So I find myself disappointed,
hurt and confused. The very reason why I’m
typing this is because I just walked out on them having a good time.

I have begun to doubt the things that I once so fervently
believed, and now I’m a broken shattered man. I can’t find my center, trying to balance on a log at a raging
river. I really thought that I had shown
people the real me, but it turns out I’ve compromised myself for the sake of
getting along with people. The people I
spend my time with, are not bad people at all; they’re actually quite
nice. The only thing that’s stopping me
from finding a new set of friends is the fear of not being able to find people
who can really understand me, and I feel that I am partly to blame for them not
understanding me.

People often can’t connect with me because of the way I
think. They usually say “nosebleed” – a
local term that means the person saying it doesn’t understand, like what I just
said was way above their level of thinking. Should it be my fault that I’m an active thinker, filled with ideas?

When I do try to level with them, I find myself thinking, “this
isn’t me at all”, and I usually just end up getting hurt because they get too
comfortable. Is this even rational or am
I just having pride issues?

Ten Reasons Why I Should Not Procrastinate

1.

Soy, you're just being emotional...

"Soy, imong lolo(or some family member)... <insert offensive comment here>"

"Soy, musta naman tong imong <insert queer/freaky or some totally bizarre way to call my love interest>? <insert offensive comment here about how I lack 'skills' when it comes to love>"

"Soy, musta naman ang imong <insert secret>(what the--!)"

So I'm like, there are some jokes I can take, and some jokes I totally find offensive; and I can only take so much.

How
many times do I have to repeat myself just to get through their thick
skulls that there are some skeletons in my closet that I can't just
show to everyone?  I mean, they already know that I take offense to
such remarks, do I have to show them my bleeding Fing heart; and this
happens like once a week?

You might be thinking, I must be
sensitive--duh!  Implausible as it may sound, I have a life filled with
mostly disappointments and hurt; so yeah, I'm pretty sensitive.

Maybe I should find new people to hang out with. Sheesh.

So Many Miles Before I Sleep

I finally decided to let go of my choir.  So much time has been taken
away: time for my studies, time for my friends, time for my family,
time for myself.  It all happened on one fell swoop, as one thing led
to another, that it came to a time where I am a stranger in my own
house.

Not one person in the family knows the real me, the
deeper, darker, more beautiful side of me-- and I've kept it hidden
from them for long enough.  It's about time I give my family a chance.

For
so long, I've been trying to make a home out of just a few people,
different communities have become my home that it came to a time when
my mother actually asked "Dili na ka happy sa balay?"

Like a
guilt-stricken freak, I was immediately plunged in denial.  All the
things that I've hidden from them, although some not so well hidden,
started pouring into the back of my mind--

the times when I was constantly put aside by the very persons I treated as best friends,

the times when I was so down with love,

the times when I was lifted because of love,

the times when I treated what were once strangers as family,

the times when I was so happy knowing that I have a family outside of my house,

the times when I was drawn closer to God because of this other family,

the times when I bore my soul out to someone I didn't know,

the times when I really felt I was needed,

the times when I really felt loved.

Now,
I have the chance to make some time for my family, to make some time
for my studies, to make some time for myself, to make some time to find
myself-- I'm taking it, whether you like it or you like it.  So I'm
letting go of the things I have no control over and hold on, to what He
has revealed to me "Father knows best".

Much respect.

People Come and Go

   Is it just me, or do the people who make the greatest impact on my life not stay long?

I
was in my third year in high school.  I've known this certain teacher
of mine for quite a few years, and has been close to my mother and I
since we usually had lunch together way back since I was still in
fourth grade.  He has been quite influential for me since he was my
first adviser for my first year in high school, he even got me a
dictionary for a Christmas present, since he picked my name out as my
"cringle" i.e. the person whose supposed to give you a present on the
class Christmas party.

So there I was, totally overcome with
stage fright due to an experiment-- I would try to do what most
classmates of mine wouldn't: make an elocution piece look real.  For
some reason, he was standing in the corridor most probably "chilling",
but either way, he was there doing absolutely nothing.  So I went over
and tried to vent it all out on him, and all he said was something like
why should I be ashamed if I'm going to do my best, and for some reason
even my supposedly "high" IQ couldn't possibly formulate a logical
answer as to why I would let shame get the best of me and end up
letting me give a subpar effort to what should be something beautiful.

The
fear then seemed significantly insignificant, because I shouldn't have
a reason to not give my best when I absolutely can.  I had no idea that
he wasn't staying for long, as he joined his Maker in a car accident a
couple of months later.  I went on and gave my best and eventually I
would receive a silver medal for elocution on graduation.

Is it just me, or do the people who make the greatest impact on my life not stay long?

I
was in my second year in high school, and there was this music teacher
who graduated from the University of the Philippines Conservatory of
Music.  He taught us how to sing in my first year and I was so
attracted to music that I joined the glee club.  We would practice
every day after class and learn different kinds of songs, this was the
first time I really felt that I had the potential to sing not just well
but be able to express what I felt through music.  He would have the
patience of a beaver-- he never did complain, he just went on trying to
encourage us whenever we would sing off-key. or lose our breath, or any
other technical stuff singers shouldn't do.  He gave me hope that I
wouldn't be just the nerdy geek who had a high aptitude for math and
science.

So in the middle of the schoolyear, he suddenly
disappeared.  We were shocked to find out that he had cancer in his
brain.  All our hopes of joining the national comptetion for youth
choirs were shattered as we were left with no trainer-- the person who
would encourage us to do better despite failing miserably and know what
he was doing at the same time.  The glee club was temporarily
disbanded, I didn't even bother being serious with the new trainer in
the succeeding years.  My love for music came with a really high cost.

Is it just me, or do the people who make the greatest impact on my life not stay long?

It
was my final year of studying in Corpus Christi School, and I realized
that I would rather confide myself in women since they actually do
listen, and that my circle of friends (who were all guys) would say
something ridiculous like "i-otot lang na" when I needed someone to
talk to, who would make fun of me when I was being DEAD serious.

So
there I was in my classmate's private library, a newly found friend of
mine needed some help with the her computer since our classmate needed
to print something for our English class.  After the printing job was
done and my other classmate went home, we eventually talked about
school and the people around us.  It was there that I realized for the
first time in my entire life that I could seriously converse with
someone on the same wavelength.  We confided in each other and for the
first time I could actually say that I had a best friend, for that
miniscule amount of time.  One thing led to another, she now studies in
UP Diliman, while I'm  stuck in Xavier University - Ateneo de Cagayan
--- not that there's something wrong with Xavier University, it's just
hard to maintain a friendship with that kind of distance.

Is it just me, or do the people who make the greatest impact on my life not stay long? 

Then
again, some wiseguy wrote "Everything changes, but nothing is truly
lost." Well, a truly great man by the name of Homer Simpson once said:

"D'oh!"

Yet Her Face is Tattoed on my Mind

I’ve been having
second thoughts lately—about myself, about my own self-manufactured
insecurities; and yet if there’s one thing I can’t get out of my mind is this
one person I’ve known for a few weeks now. I have never met anyone as angelic as her in my entire life. She has a smile that could light a beacon on
a dark stormy night, and a disposition that could thwart off any thought of
doubt and fear. I could talk with her
forever and I still would think that so little time has passed.

You’d think that
I’m usually attracted to those beautiful, sultry, and sexy types but no; what
really attracts me the most is how a person, no how a woman, carries herself.
She is what you would think at first to be this prim and proper lady who never
says a word—but that’s the thing that makes her attractive really, of course if
you really knew the story behind it.

She has severe
scoliosis, which would pretty much explain why she always has this posture that
makes her look so lady-like; but here’s the rub: she has to undergo an
operation wherein a rod is stuck in her back, all while keeping her heart
beating because she has a pneumatic heart; and it pains me so much that even if
she goes through the operation, her life would still be in danger.

So every time we
meet, she’s always this gentle yet always with an on-the-go attitude, with her
studies, with her responsibilities, which pretty much reminds me of myself. [I
can never stay idle for more than thirty minutes because my obsession on being
busy would kick in and I would have extreme mood swings.]

So here I am
writing about the most beautiful girl—both inside and out, that I have ever
seen in my entire life, which is why I’m making the most out of the time I am
able to share with this person.

Procrastination--Bad :D

I was going to name this as post # 60; realizing that I would sound pompous because of  announcing the number of posts I have written over my "active blogging life".  Hell it doesn't even matter whether which was more, quality or quantity.

OK, back to the main idea.  I'm tired of ranting, that is until I find something that really strikes me in the heart, after which a great idea comes to mind.  I make a note in my head to put it in the blog.

Procrastination strikes.  I then say bye-bye to the great idea lost in the deepest recesses of my mind.

There used to be a time when I would actually do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to write something on a piece of paper so that I would remember what I would put in my blog the moment I got home.

Procrastination strikes.  I then say bye-bye to the great idea lost in the deepest recesses of my mind.

I honestly thought that it would be a great idea to write down the realizations as well as the lessons learned for the day, just so that I wouldn't be making the same mistakes again; that and I could keep track on what's going on in my life and the paths I have taken that led me to the present moment in time.

Procrastination strikes.  I then say bye-bye to the great realization lost in the deepest recesses of my mind.

At least I got this one covered-- procrastination=great idea lost in the deepest recesses of my mind