A Suicide Note? : (

As I slowly step into the fray making a foray, I fretfully fribble my energy in feeble frivol trying to hide myself behind an intricate mask, albeit a mirror mask.

Freedom is in great scarcity.

By feigning what I feel to be something what people want to see, I have found myself in a situation I can't get out of as of yet.  The decisions I have made have left me opposite to what is felicitous.  By making people see what they DESPERATELY want to see, I have lied to myself, and to others; and I am paying through my nose.

The truth?  I have fallen so far down I cannot see the end of the tunnel.

It's what should have set me free, my one true key to freedom.  Now I have buried myself in a well up to the neck instead of shaking the dirt off.  Inch by inch, I slowly put myself into the position of a felo-de-se, an act of suicide.

[Dude, that's some fancy emo $#^+.]

God help me. (pulls trigger)

Death by a sleeping pillow.

"I'm lost, my mind's gone..."  goes a line from an UrbanDub song.

No.  I haven't completely lost my mind.
I'm in shaking fear of losing my mind.
You see, I am not what anybody sees.
I am but a mirror to your own desires.

What you want to see is what you get,
like, the mirror in Harry Potter.
I forgot its name but you get the idea.
I, at a crossroads, am confused.

I've hurt someone terribly, hauntingly.
To die, to sleep no more,
is but an idea very close to me,
yet utterly refused for what I must do.

To be or not to be?
That is the question.

A Wanton Realization from a Seemingly Insignificant Event

It was a bright sunny morning.  The humming from the air conditioner was all that was heard as tensions rose,  the cold air was not helping,
until the teacher called out the next name.

One word-- EXTEMPORANEOUS SPEECH.

LOL

If you didn't notice the typographical error before, you may now laugh.

I was keeping myself as calm as humanly possible before a speech.  I was constantly making fun out of scratch, making random remarks about all things trivial, trying to get a giggle here and there.  As the names were called, and the tension slowly seeping away through my laughter and wanton ranting, there I was.

"Michael Jay Sasoy"

The one name I almost dreaded last Monday.  The teacher said, don't think of words; think of ideas.  Two minutes is all the time I've got.

Anxiously, I peered over the box with papers and found what seemed to be a flipped up piece that the topic was clearly in view.  I decided to take my chances on those faced down.

"cartoon-characters"

Thank God for television.

Instead of getting nervous, I found myself getting pumped up.  The last speaker before me was rung at with a bell and I knew it was my turn.

"Cartoon characters-- admit it.  We've all imagined what it would be like to live the life of a cartoon-character.  Falling anvil, a few seconds after we come out unscathed- without a single scratch.

And how many of you have heard of anime? (audience murmurs in agreement)

Wouldn't it be fantastic to ride a robot and wreak havoc upon the world?  If you blow up, you come out unharmed.  Wouldn't it be fun to do things without a single care in the world?

But friends, we live in a world of illusion.  Now is the time to wake up to reality and appreciate the things that matter most, our friends, our family, before all of that will be gone. (bell rings)
(Pausing, I was unable to think and make a final statement so I just said: ) Thank you."

Thank God for premeditated ideas from blogs I both wrote and read. 

The audience cheered, as if it was all some sort of show.  I could only wish that the message was clear and that they have received it.  Now it's up to them on what to do with that information.

Why True Love Waits

How do you know if a person is made for you and you made for him/her?

If you believe in soulmates, as I do, then the chances of finding that specific person is very, VERY SLIM.

Why?  You might ask.  Well here's a little info to work your mind:

FACT: The Earth's population reached 6.5 billion on Saturday, February 25, 2006.

So, if you meet all 6.5 billion people at the same time; the chances of finding the right one decreases to 1.5384615384615384615384615384615e-10 % (!!!)

What am I trying to get at here?  Nothing really; just that I'm not going to hurry finding that person anytime soon.  So, how do we know that the person we meet could be the one true love to spend the rest of your life for the rest of eternity? 

Nobody knows.

There is clearly no empirical, scientific, demonstrable solution to such a problem. 

What we do have is faith.  Faith that someone out there is made for us and that all of us will eventually find that person because we were made for our respective soulmates.

Do tell me what you think.

A Love Poem

Oh, when will I find thee?

The pain of not being with you

is a dagger to my side

each passing minute.

-

For whence have I seen your face,

I can no longer recall;

but it is in hope that I find true light,

to lead me to where you are.

-

There is a gaping hole in my heart,

that only you can fill.

Remorse is but a step away,

as my sand continues to run out.

-

I suffer severe melancholy,

to realize that I may not be with you;

for the hour is past anon,

and I must find you, once more, in eternity.

Amongst a Sea of Faces

Lost in a crowd of faces,

not knowing which is true.

I look to You to take me out

of these endless sea of masks.

-

For too long have I worn

such masks of apathy and scorn

the very sight of such horror,

my own demise I do abhor.

-

You reach out Your hand to me,

in my own shock I flee.

My guilt and my hands stained thee.

Feeling unworthy, unworthy.

-

I leave You only to find You,

my expressions turns to nigh,

my guilt is washed away,

with You I am to stay.

-JaY Sasoy

Why I Brought an Umbrella

It was a cold rainy night, the street lights emanated a shade of orange as it reflected on the wet tarmac.  The raindrops spattered on the top of my umbrella as I was waiting for the next jeepney bound to where I live.

A woman crossed the road from a local bank and tried to ride a "motorela" but the driver refused since they were headed another way.  (From where I come from, you have to tell the driver first as to where you want to go before they either let or not let you ride)

This woman, probably in her late twenties or early thirties, wrapped a handtowel over her head like a hood.  Realizing that she was standing in the rain I motioned her to join me under my umbrella.  She asked if I was going to ride a jeep so I nodded in reply.

I kept my eyes to my left keeping constant watch for any motorela's that may come by, trying to not make a sound as to not make the entire situation any more awkward.  So I asked her where she was going in Cebuano.  She said she was going to the provincial hospital.  Her mother had suffered from a stroke.  She went to the bank to get money for her medicine.

I was touched.

I was so embarassed that I didn't invite her to get under my umbrella sooner.  She then asked what jeepney route I was taking.  She was speaking in Filipino so I replied in Filipino that it didn't matter; I was going to make her ride first.  She too, I think, was touched based from the expression on her face.  She even said that "bihira lang ang mga taong ganun."  (There are few people who are like you)

Forget touched, I was overwhelmed.  Here I was thinking "oh how long will the next jeep arrive" and she was probably hoping her mother was okay. 

We can all be selfish at times.  We become so worried about things trivial and commonplace at times that we forget that there is so much suffering and trouble in the world and forget even more to pitch in some help.

I merely played my part.  It's time for us to "bring our umbrellas" for those who have none.

People read my blog???

YOU!

Yes you!  You actually read my posts?  People have finally admitted to reading my blog, and frankly, I'm quite amazed.  (Aside from the people who ACTUALLY leave comments ^_^ )  Thanks peeps, for taking the effort of clicking the read more button.

So I'm at the computer lab at XU and frankly I have nothing else to do so evidently, boredom has struck again.

I might be posting in the future, but not real soon-- the sands in the hourglass will run out soon and I will have to leave the computer for another blogging hiatus.

Peace out! Do holler back by way of comments. Thanks peeps!

In HIS Name we play

In HIS Name we play-- what started out as a derivative of a usual ending to a Christian prayer has become the new battle cry of Wood of Christ (YFC MisOr Provincial Band).  Other battle cries I know: "Basta Ikaw Lord", "Sayaw ta Lord"-- I guess ours is for musicians and others applicable.  I am still in awe of such profound words-- as a musician and Christian, I couldn't find any better way to describe what I do as a member of such a band.

Let me be frank yet prudent as possible-- I am not a Bible-thumping Christian.  I am what people stereotype as a "liberated" Christian.  This is what I do, and love to do and hope to continue to do-- make music for Jesus.

For those who may find me bloated, let me then tell you that I admit to not having the best musical skills and talent-- there are thousands of others better than me.  I do not like to make everyone know that I am part of this band for the sake of making others know per se; but what I try to do in every "gig", is play in His Name and for His Name and for His Name only; but also having fun while doing it.

I would just like to express this effervescent high that I'm experiencing right now and let the world know that God loves you!