I'm closing my eyes as I type this.  I just want to express what deep melancholy I have in my heart.  I know for as long as I can remember, I have put myself into the position where it's easy to ridicule me.

For those who understand, I'm so sick and tired of putting up masks.  I'm so sick and tired of studying people only to use their weaknesses against them.  I'm so sick and tired of overcalculating.

I'm sorry.

Today as I slowly reach the end of another phase, I am truly afraid of what I am now, and even more so for what I will become.  My lingering feeling of bitterness is consuming me as I know I will have to swallow a bitter pill.  This was my well needed shot in the arm.  I'm so screwed up that I even dug myself a hole I can't even dream to get out of.

Part of me is dying as I helplessly go on with this f@#*ing hole in my heart.

I'm running out of ideas as to how I will change myself because I'm looking at my situation and it is looking very, very bleak.  I am going out of control, and my coping resources are easily running out.

So, what exactly is my point?  I've got none.  I'm trying to express what I feel through my blog because it is one of the few things I know what and how to do.  Wisdom and logic are but estrange voices in the distance and I can no longer put into words as to what I feel.  By now, I would realize that expressing this through my blog is really not helping.  The logical thing to do will be to go to counseling, but I hate the "first impression" plasticity that I see with such people.

I've got some issues I need to resolve. *sigh*

Signing off for a very long time.